You Cannot Truly Love Someone Else Unless You Love Yourself First, Here’s Why

“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.” ~Robert Holden

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ~Mary Oliver

Recently, a dear friend consulted me about her love life. And I gave her the same answer that I’ve been giving her for probably the last year. It will get better when you love yourself and work on establishing better boundaries in your life. I’m certainly not an expert, but as the Farmers Insurance saying goes: “We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.” I’ve been through the School of Hard Knocks and graduated with honors. (Curtsies – thank you, thank you very much!)

Initially, I think she thought I was joking. Joking, I am not. I am quite a bit older and have been in her shoes. I have been the nice person in life, walked all over, and treated very badly by people whom I never thought would do so. But time and time again, they did, and I forgave them. It is hard when you feel absolutely everything because you understand why, but it still hurts. ‘Tis a hard thing to reconcile, especially when you don’t want to see it.

I was raised being told, “Be a good Christian!”, “Be a lady!”, “Be nice, turn the other cheek.”, “Shawna, be good! Calm down! Be quiet!” It wasn’t done with any ill intent, but it is in direct opposition to my own extremely fiery nature. I was a wild child. So, I tried most of my life to be someone else. Tried and failed, fabulously. Thank goodness I learned how to properly direct that energy. There is no putting this fire out.

Whenever someone would hurt me, I would think, “Be nice!” And then I would lay down like a proper dismal doormat. I had terrible anxiety and depression. I was not living authentically and not living up to my true potential as a person. Finally, after years of meditation, reflection, healing, and setting proper boundaries, when I heard, “Be nice!” I then promptly added: TO ME! And trust me, it was so hard to do! Because I wanted to “be nice” to people I loved and wanted in my life. I wanted them to see my value. It wasn’t until my own feelings of self-worth exceeded needing any such validation that I truly healed. I had finally learned to be nice to myself. And I liked it, a lot!

So, how do you get there? Well, quite honestly, life has to hurt a lot sometimes. Hurt so much that it breaks who you were enough to make you become who you are meant to be. Forge your soul in the fire. Sometimes you get to rock bottom. This is not fun, not easy, not for the faint of heart. There are no shortcuts, no sugarcoating it, and no easy way out. The only way to do it is to do the work. There’s no law of attraction, magic spell, hoodoo voodoo: it’s good Ol’ fashioned hard work.

The work? You have to prioritize yourself. Yep! Be selfish in your healing. When it’s time to do the work, it’s a priority. No fooling around. Self-care is essential. Especially if you have trauma that you need to work through. Go to therapy. Go to your doctor and have a full physical. Take care of yourself completely: mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I meditate daily. It’s life changing. Some excuses people may use: “It’s hard!” “My mind wanders!” So? Bring it back. Every time. I have ADHD; you’re not telling me anything I don’t know about the monkey mind. I’m the Energizer Bunny, always going. But it gets easier with time. It helps with anxiety, depression, spirituality, and just feels amazing!

Journaling is an incredibly powerful tool that can provide deep insights and invaluable guidance! Personally, I discovered deep personal insights in using the Shadow Work Journal written by Keila Shaheen. Another fantastic approach is to make a habit of jotting down three things you are grateful for each day. This simple practice will help you direct your attention towards the bright and positive aspects of your life. Embrace the transformative power of these practices and watch your outlook completely change for the better!

Go on a journey of self-discovery and find yourself. What do you most enjoy doing? Do you like to travel? Do it. Don’t be one of those people who say they’ll do it when they retire. So many people say they will, then life happens, and they never do. Have you always wanted to paint but never learned how? Take a class. Take a cooking class if you want. Make time for fun and for things that bring joy and happiness to your life. Just find your passion in life and follow it passionately. Following your heart will never lead you in the wrong direction!

Basically, the road to learning to love yourself is best traveled by investing in yourself. Seriously investing, big time. And what do you have to gain by doing this, you ask? Literally every single aspect of my life improved after I learned to love myself. Financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, my relationships, and career: literally everything in my life flourished. And new people entered my life; people that treated me with genuine kindness, fairness, and the utmost respect. Wonderful people with beautiful hearts that are as invested in me as I am in them. My existing relationships evolved and grew much healthier. My relationships prior were unhealthy because I MYSELF was unhealthy. Other souls are a mirror. You just have to be brave enough to look into it—into your own soul.

I can say with complete honesty that I am a completely different woman than before. I am no longer a false impersonator trying to be someone I didn’t even like anyway! Living with authenticity feels wonderful and is quite liberating! Once I learned how to simply be myself, I realized how heartbreaking it is not to. Anytime that critical little nag comes up, I tell her to shut it. And I promptly compliment myself. If I become overly self-critical, I give myself three compliments to counteract the negativity.

Last but certainly not least, be kind to yourself on this journey. Forgive any mistakes you have made. You cannot change the past. Move forward and build a better, brighter future. Be gentle with your heart as you work through the tough stuff. Forgive not only yourself but others. We’re all here learning and growing.

Try it, start loving yourself today! Start right this second! Life is short, live it well!

In Crisis? Please call or text the SAMHSA Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline | SAMHSA